A Beginner's Guide to Unconditionally Loving Yourself

For several reasons, I recently changed from a psychotherapist to a psychiatrist. I’ve been in therapy pretty consistently since 2015, but I have never worked with a psychiatrist or a male mental health professional.

In our initial session, I thought Dr. C would dive into mental health's technical and medical aspects. Instead, he said, “Worthiness is the root of mental health. At the root of worthiness is unconditional self-love. Do you love yourself unconditionally?”

Whoa.

That was an unexpected question. I said hesitantly, “I think so.” He responded, “Where is the evidence that’s true?”

Again, whoa.

He told me that we would be focusing on unconditionally loving myself through the lens of my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors (he uses a modality called Dialectical Behavior Therapy - which is a blend of cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness). He reminded me that unconditionally loving myself would not work if I did not believe in my worthiness to receive it. “Your very existence makes you worthy of unconditional love” he gently said.

And with that, an unexpected focus of 2024 is to learn how to love myself unconditionally.

“Dare to love yourself
as if you were a rainbow
with gold at both ends.”
― Aberjhani

I’ve continued my bi-weekly sessions with Dr. C but have done a lot of my own inner reflection and outer research on the concepts and practices of unconditional self-love. I feel like a beginner, thus the title of this essay.

I think it is essential to understand that the systems we live in (especially in the US) discourage or even scorn the concept of unconditional self-love. From an economic and educational caste system to the relentless influence of advertising to the deep social programming of Christian fundamentalism (“original sin”), loving ourselves is often seen as foolish, selfish, and egotistical. Ironically, self-indulgence is highly encouraged by a variety of industries, but self-indulgence is most often the opposite of self-love.

I also think it is important to discern something. I have written extensively about Self vs self; the soul vs the ego mind; high consciousness vs low consciousness. So which self am I referring to in “self-love”? All of our selves. 100% of who we are.

So based on my findings and epiphanies, here is an attempt to create a guide for loving yourself unconditionally. The benchmark for each of these is similar to what Dr. C said to me: “Where is the evidence?”

1. You are 100% responsible for getting your needs met. This was a shocking epiphany for me. I had long felt that an essential part of an intimate partnership is to meet each other’s needs. Nope. Trying to meet each other’s needs is co-dependency. Instead, I’ve learned that unconditionally loving someone else is making ample space for them to get their needs met.
   
   To be clear, I’m not saying you can give yourself 100% of what you need, but you are 100% responsible for getting your needs met. This begins with self-reflection on your needs. Think in terms of body, mind, and soul. Make a list of what you need. Then examine how you will meet those needs. It is from here that we need to learn two skills: 1) Asking for what we need and 2) having and holding clear boundaries.

2. Never give someone the power to determine your worth … especially if they don’t ask for it. Your worth is intrinsic; an inalienable pricelessness. No one can take it from you and no one can give it to you. But you can give it away. It is essential to point out that if you allow yourself to let someone else (regardless of their intention) determine your worth, you will not be able to love yourself unconditionally nor will you receive unconditional love. Giving your worth away always comes with strings.

3. Focus on negative behavior, not negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are part of the human app. Yes, you should monitor them and try to shorten or reduce them. But spending all of your energy trying to eliminate negativity won’t work. Plus some things suck and should be seen as negative! To think otherwise is what toxic positivity is. Instead, focus on replacing negative behaviors - things that are harmful to yourself and/or others. A person who loves themselves unconditionally will still occasionally have negative behaviors, but it won’t be the norm. As a reminder, our behavior and our results are the evidence of unconditionally loving ourselves.

4. Understand the difference between self-indulgence and self-love. In the days after the initial conversation with Dr. C, I realized that I could not recall something I’d done for myself recently that was self-love, not self-indulgence. Again, this isn’t about purity. Of course, decadence, hedonism, and indulgence are fun sometimes. But if we are substituting or confusing self-indulgence with self-love, we will justify a lot of harmful shit.

5. Be kind to yourself - especially with your self-talk. One assignment Dr. C gave me was to eliminate all negative self-talk. He reminded me that shaming, scorning, or berating myself was reinforcing an underlying sense of unworthiness. This week will be one month of practicing this and I notice a remarkable change in my reaction to making mistakes. Instead of self-loathing, I feel self-compassion. Instead of condemnation, I have learned to laugh at myself in a kind way.

I will close with this bold proclamation…

You can not love others unconditionally nor receive unconditional love if you don’t first love yourself unconditionally. The people who love you unconditionally will understand. And the people that have loved you conditionally will not understand. And that’s what boundaries are for.