I AM.

Barnett Newman, Onement VI “I hope that my painting has the impact of giving someone, as it did me, the feeling of his own totality, of his own separateness, of his own individuality."

I had my first experience with what I now know is called “awareness” around the age of 4; my first sense of my own personhood; that there was a me and a you and a them. Not long after, I noticed that my “me” seemed very different from others. I believe this was the moment of conception of wanting to be somebody; the beginning of a long journey to fill in the blank: I am __________.

We humans are curious creatures. A mammal’s nervous system with a neocortex, and I believe, a soul. It seems the neocortex is the home of the ego where identity sits on the throne. It seems mammals have some sense of self, but they don’t seem to ever have an identity crisis. From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense. Without the motivating force of an ego, we did not have enough mammalian skills to survive and become the dominant species on the planet. Of course, 4-year old Justin all the way to 40-something Justin didn’t really give a shit about that. He just wanted to know who he was.

It is my observation that identity comes from three primary sources:

• You are born into an environment that nurtures and encourages self-discovery and self-expression. In this case, identity is malleable - which can only happen in a safe environment. I witness this in my grandchildren who are being raised in a garden of unlimited belonging where both are encouraged to be themselves; even if that self changes on a daily basis.
  
  I strongly believe that creating the spaciousness for someone to be themselves is an essential element of unconditional love. That is true for all relationships at all ages, but especially for parents. I am reminded of this quote by Thomas Merton: “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image.”
  

• You are born into an environment where you are told who you are. This is often about lineage or heritage coupled with parents who use phrases such as “becoming a productive member of society.” Religion and class also play a significant role here.
  
  In these cases, children learn to adopt a hologram of acceptableness. Love is given and withdrawn depending on how a child lives up to their hologram. Of course, this is not really love. Living up to this hologram is exhausting, which is likely why children from affluent families are far more likely to have mental health issues and are almost 3x more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol.

I was born and raised in the 3rd kind of identity-shaping environment: no identity.

This is the fill-in-the-blank I was referring to earlier. Children like me were raised in a kind of vacant lot, far from the garden or wildflower patch I described above. I was never really told who I was supposed to be. I was more told who not to be. Although I wasn’t a “latch key kid” like many Gen Xers, I suspect they had a similar experience.

This vacant lot sat between two very different and often conflicting worlds. On one side was my home life which was defined by two factors that created a dark sense of separateness from the rest of the world: 1) the heavy influence of the fundamentalist Christian cult my parents were part of and all of the weird shit we were told to believe and 2) violence and abuse. On the other side was ranch life, which was about a 15 minute drive from town through a small valley that felt like going through a portal into an entirely different world. It was in this world where I felt my grandmother’s unconditional love and acceptance.

As a result of this split, I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I just knew I wanted to leave as soon as I could, which I did at age 17. I couldn’t find a specific study but there is extensive empirical evidence that the large majority young people who leave home as soon as feasible are doing so to get away from an environment that is unsafe, abusive, neglectful, or chronically hostile. This does not include the horrific number of gay kids who are kicked out or forced to leave home.

I knew who I wanted to be so I created my own “I am ___________”: A history nerd Republican obsessed with trivia and fashion who adored Elvis and loved football. It was this Me that got married at 18, doubled down on being part of the fundy church, and who became a father at barely 22, then an entrepreneur at 33. Until my mid 40s, if someone asked who I was, my answer always contained those elements. “Trauma survivor” was added then as well.

In April 2014, I had my first profound spiritual awakening. Then much of my identity became about who I used to be. I used to go to that church. I used to be a Republican. I used to live in Idaho. And eventually, I used to be married.

There are two “I am’s” that always felt natural and real to me:

• Being an outlaw and heretic. For someone who was deeply afraid of rejection, it was always strange to me to have a Jesse James kind of soul.

• From 1992 until now: being a father. This was and is far more than a role for me.

The first few years after moving to Austin, my identity was mostly derived from living in Austin, being a trauma survivor and Christian cult escapee, and being a branding guy, author, and public speaker.

In the last 6+ years, three new identities emerged:

• I have embraced that I am creative.

• I am an OG never-Trumper.

• Since meeting Virginia in late 2020 and learning about systemic issues and social consciousness, I am much more aware of my deeper subconscious identities around what I call a SWAM: straight, white, American, male.

The combination of those three partnered with my outlaw identity to become very vocal about fascism, privilege, apathy, and the moral responsibility that business leaders have to protect the communities we are part of.

It was that Me who moved to Mexico City in June of 2025: a socially conscious white dude creative entrepreneur.

Which leads me to the place I found myself in recent months…

The absolutely terrifying realization that everything I thought I was either no longer existed or had no usefulness here. Like currency from a long-defunct country. I went from decades of trying to stand out and be different to being painfully and obviously an outsider; reinforced by my white skin, height, shaved head, Austin-style outfits, and very clumsy Spanish. I felt like telling everyone, “I’m not you, but I’m also not a typical American.”

This feeling was further exacerbated by a conversation with a friend that was really more of an intervention. He told me, “Justin, everyone knows what you believe, but nobody knows what the fuck you do. I think you are fucking brilliant but I have no idea how to introduce you to people”. Ouch. As someone who teaches people how to brand themselves, this was quite the indictment. But it was also a much-needed cold shower. He wasn’t wrong and that was exactly what I needed to hear.

I was sharing this sense of no-identity with my wise-beyond-his-years Spanish tutor and now friend, Phero. I was telling him that I accepted that I will never really fit in here. He gently interrupted me and shared with me a chant that Mexican fútbol fans use when a foreign player or coach has earned their place on the Mexican national team: “Justin, hermano, ya eres Mexicano”

Hermano directly translates to brother, but used here, it is similar to how we say “brother” as a term of closeness and acceptance.

Ya eres Mexicano implies you’ve crossed a threshold. It suggests that you have adopted the culture, habits, humor, or way of being in a way that locals recognize.

“Besides,” he said, “You are more Mexican than many of my friends.” I asked him why he said that. “Because you chose to be here. You are committed to being here. Many people I know don’t want to be here. Plus, you know more about Mexico than most Mexicans I know!” Being a history and trivia nerd still has some advantage 😀

All of that was affirming and necessary, but it still didn’t answer the question, “Who am I now?”

I shared with Virginia this matter of figuring out my “I am ______”. She listened quietly and then said something I knew but had forgotten: “Only the ego needs to know its identity.”

“Ok, that’s true”, I said. “But that still doesn’t fill in the blank.”

“What if there is no blank?”, she said. “What if ‘I am’ ends in a period?”

I felt the weight of the unmistakable density of truth in her words.

I was immediately reminded of a story from the Old Testament when Moses asked God his name and heard back “Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh”, which when translated from Hebrew means, “I AM WHO I AM”.

No blank to fill in. Just I AM.

“I searched for God and found only myself. I searched for myself and found only God.”
- Attributed to Rumi

I felt a puzzle piece fall into place. I’ve had an emerging belief that the highest level of faith is not in a higher power or a god, but in your own power to create the life you want.

In short, our I AM has the same power that created the Universe.

From a Christian perspective, this is only a heretical idea if you believe in institutional Jesus. I do not follow that Jesus. I believe there is plenty of evidence that he was teaching consciousness, or what is also called Gnosticism. Gnosis means direct knowing, the divine encountered through your own sovereign interior without requiring religious authority.

From a Gnostic perspective, I AM is not only the divine name for God but also names the deepest truth of the higher Self found beneath the ego and shaped by body, history, and culture. This is a “divine spark,” a fragment of God’s own being, that shares in the same uncreated reality as the One who says “I AM.” From this angle, to say “we are also I AM” is not to claim that we are God, but to insist that our truest identity arises from and participates in the same divine power to create. In that sense, the I AM epiphany also reveals we live mostly ignorant of this, trapped in the fill-in-the-blanks we unwillingly or willingly adopted.

I AM a father.

I AM a creative.

I AM an outlaw.

These are not roles or personality traits. They are manifestations of my original I AM.

In embracing my I AM I think I have a sense of how my grandchildren feel. I weep for my lost childhood in the vacant lot, but also weep for joy that it was possibly those conditions that created the conditions for Logan and Sarah to be the amazing and liberating parents they are.

“I exist as I am, that is enough.”
- Walt Whitman

I still need to re-introduce the What I Do part of me to the world.

I still have much more assimilation to do here.

I still have much work to do to create the fullest version of the life that Virginia and I want.

But if I AM is doing these things, then I am certain that everything will be ok.