How to Build a Belief System

Most of us don’t have values. We have a set of beliefs that came with the identity we adopted. As such, our beliefs our inherited—the hand-me-downs of culture, religion, and whatever ideological tribe we found ourselves in. We live by scripts we never actually wrote, defining ourselves by identities we never truly chose. And this isn't just an intellectual burden; it weighs on every aspect of our lives.

If you’ve ever felt like your beliefs don’t quite fit—like you’re walking around in someone else’s clothes—you know the discomfort, the quiet but persistent itch of misalignment. It shapes how you see yourself, whispering that something is off but never giving you the language to name it. It affects your sense of worth, making you question if your instincts and desires are valid. It dictates your relationships, keeping you tethered to people and structures that no longer serve you. It even seeps into your career decisions, nudging you toward paths that match external expectations rather than internal truth.

This kind of dissonance is exhausting. It keeps you stuck in patterns you never actively chose, making it feel impossible to break free. But recognizing this is the first step toward reclaiming your own beliefs, your own values, and, ultimately, your own life. You’re not alone in this realization, and more importantly—you’re not stuck.

Where Our Beliefs Come From

Before we can build something new, we have to understand what we’re working with. Our adopted beliefs don’t come out of nowhere—they are shaped by the environments we grow up in, the narratives we are taught, and the forces that shape our understanding of the world. In most cases, these beliefs originate from one of two dominant sources:

The dominance of these two sources of belief—high-control religion and deeply secular/humanistic conditioning—is especially pronounced in the U.S. because of its unique cultural and historical landscape.

1. The Role of High-Control Religion in the U.S.

The U.S. has deep religious roots, particularly in Protestant Christianity, which shaped the country’s values, laws, and social structures. Over time, this developed into a culture where religious adherence is often linked to personal virtue, patriotism, and even economic success (think: the "Protestant work ethic").

For many white Americans, particularly in conservative regions, religion became not just a set of beliefs but a primary identity marker. Religious communities provided social status, family expectations, and an easy framework for understanding the world. Departing from that framework could mean social exile, which makes questioning those beliefs especially hard.

2. The Influence of Secular/Humanistic Conditioning

On the flip side, other segments of white America—especially in urban centers and academic institutions—reacted against religious dominance by leaning hard into secularism. The Enlightenment, European intellectual traditions, and scientific progress fueled a counter-narrative that valued reason over faith, material reality over spiritual intuition, and skepticism over belief.

This has led to a split: One half of white America clings to high-control religious structures, while the other half adopts a rigid form of secular humanism that often dismisses anything unprovable as irrational. Both are forms of control—one through dogma, the other through intellectual superiority.

Impact on Self-Perception and Society

Regardless of which framework someone was raised in, the effect is profound:

• On Self-Worth: If your identity is shaped by external structures—whether religious guilt or intellectual elitism—you struggle to define worth from within.

• On Relationships: It becomes difficult to connect authentically when your belief system comes from the hologram you created to operate in the world.

• On Career Choices: Many people stay in roles that align with their conditioning rather than their passions, fearing what it means to step outside the "approved" path.

• On Social and Political Division: The rigidity of both frameworks contributes to polarization, making it harder for Americans to engage in nuanced conversations about belief, meaning, and truth.

In essence, white Americans—due to historical, social, and cultural factors—often find themselves locked into one of these two extremes. The real challenge (and opportunity) is to step outside of them and create something truly authentic.

This leads us to this truth: most of us don’t know what we believe because we don’t know who we are. Understanding where your beliefs come from is the first step toward reclaiming what is truly yours and who you truly are. To build a belief system that’s actually yours, you have to start at the core: your Core Self.

The Core Self and the Benchmark of Authentic Belief

The Core Self is the part of you that exists beneath programming, beyond fear, and outside the expectations of others. It’s where your truest self resides—unshaped by external conditioning, unburdened by societal demands. Psychologists describe this inner state using the "8 Cs"—calmness, clarity, curiosity, confidence, courage, creativity, compassion, and connectedness.

These qualities serve as a benchmark for whether a belief is truly yours or merely inherited. Why? Because beliefs rooted in fear, shame, or external approval are not products of the Core Self; they are relics of conditioning. When your beliefs align with the 8 Cs, they come from a place of authenticity rather than reaction. Instead of clinging to certainty out of fear, you hold perspectives with curiosity and confidence. Instead of defending ideas for the sake of belonging, you embrace creativity and courage in shaping what you truly stand for. The goal isn’t just to think differently; it’s to embody the essence of your Core Self in how you believe, question, and grow.

“In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.” - Mark Twain

My Approach: A Personal Journey, Not a Prescription

What follows is not a formula or a rigid belief system you should adopt. I’m not here to tell you what to believe. Instead, I’m sharing a process—one that I’ve walked through myself and continue to refine. This is about exploration, about peeling back the layers of conditioning to uncover what’s truly yours. Because of my long history of being part of a high-control religion, I've chosen to focus on that. Some of this may resonate, some may not. Take what serves you and leave the rest.

Step 1: Deconstruct the Voices in Your Head

I grew up believing I was in constant conversation with God, but it turns out, I was mostly talking to the voices of religious leaders who had drilled doctrine into my head. The God I had been taught was a micromanaging, always-watching authority figure who sounded eerily similar to the ministers, parents, and authority figures I feared disappointing. When I started questioning what was actually divine and what was just programming, I felt like I was committing treason. But the deeper I dug, the more I realized that the real sacred voice wasn’t external at all—it was internal. The whisper that said, "You are already enough" was my own Core Self trying to get a word in.

Start here: Whose voice is running the show in your head? If it’s fueled by fear, shame, or judgment, it’s probably not your Core Self speaking.

Step 2: Define Your Non-Negotiables

For years, I compromised myself in relationships. Not just in primary relationships, but friendships, business partnerships, and social circles where I felt the pressure to conform. I told myself it was "keeping the peace," but in reality, I was eroding my own integrity. When I finally sat down and asked, "What do I actually want in my core relationships?" the answers were so simple: to be challenged and to been seen. Once I defined those as my non-negotiables, I could see clearly who aligned with them and who didn’t. The friction wasn’t from setting boundaries—it was from not having them in the first place.

Start here: Write down what you will no longer tolerate in your relationships. Then, write down what you actually need. If your beliefs about relationships don’t support those needs, they’re due for a rewrite.

Step 3: Get Comfortable with Uncertainty

I used to think certainty was a virtue. That’s what fundamentalism taught me. Right and wrong, black and white, heaven and hell. This was further informed by right-wing politics, where certainty came packaged in talking points and fear-based rhetoric. It felt good to be certain—until I realized that certainty was keeping me small. The more I studied, traveled, and talked to people outside my ideological bubble, the more I saw the limits of my own understanding. Certainty is a cage. Real faith—whether in a higher power or just in humanity—requires humility and adaptability.

Start here: Embrace the phrase, "I don’t know, and that’s okay." If your belief system requires you to have all the answers, it’s not a belief system—it’s an echo chamber.

Step 4: Experiment with Practices, Not Just Ideas

When I left the rigid world of fundamentalism, I was afraid I would not experience anything mystical. What actually happened was a deeper, richer connection to the presence of something greater than myself. Meditation, centering prayer, and contemplative silence gave me a way to engage with mystery without needing to name it. I don’t care whether someone calls it God, the universe, or the interconnectedness of all things—what matters is that I can experience it, rather than just debate it. Practices like meditation, ritual, and even spending intentional time in nature help beliefs move from theory into embodiment.

Start here: Pick one practice that aligns with your curiosity and try it without attachment to the outcome. Belief isn’t just a thought process—it’s a lived experience.

Step 5: Surround Yourself with Open Minds

I used to only consume media that confirmed what I already believed, mostly conservative talk radio and purveyors of church doctrine. When I started reading and listening to people outside my worldview, I expected to be "attacked" by their ideas. Instead, I found expansion. Reading thinkers from diverse backgrounds, having honest conversations with people I once labeled as "other," and actively listening instead of debating taught me that wisdom isn’t owned by any one group. This shift from defensiveness to curiosity is how systemic consciousness is born.

Start here: Expose yourself to ideas that make you uncomfortable. Read books by people you think you disagree with. Listen more than you talk. Growth happens in the friction.

Step 6: Let Your System Evolve

At the core of my beliefs now, I find a few unshakable truths: freedom, justice, love, dignity, and curiosity. But how those truths are expressed in my life? That’s fluid. I permit myself to evolve. I no longer feel the need to defend a static belief system because beliefs should be living, breathing things that grow as we do. What I know for sure is this: I won’t let my spiritual practices atrophy, but I also won’t let them become mechanical. The real work is staying awake.

Start here: Instead of building a belief system that feels like a fortress, build one that feels like a garden. Tend to it. Let it change with the seasons. Keep it alive.

Final Thought: Own What You Believe, or Someone Else Will

If you don’t intentionally build your own belief system, you’ll default back to the one you were given. And that might be comfortable—familiar patterns often are—but comfort is not the same as truth. If your beliefs are driven by fear, guilt, or the pressure to conform, they do not belong to you. They are inherited chains, not chosen convictions.

To truly be free, you must do the work of excavation—digging deep to uncover what is truly yours. This is not easy. It requires unlearning, questioning, and at times, sitting in the discomfort of not knowing. But the alternative is living a life dictated by scripts written for someone else.

You deserve a belief system that is as unique, complex, and evolving as you are. And the only way to have that is to build it yourself—with courage, curiosity, and the willingness to let go of what no longer serves you.