Holding the Line

Hello, friends! This is the last of the weekly essays that will be available to free subscribers. As a reminder, for only $8/month, you will receive an essay every Monday, as well as a bi-weekly tool, sent every other Saturday - and coming next month, paid subscribers will have access to podcast episodes, weekly office hours and a monthly live mastermind call. Thanks!

“Hold the line! Stay with me! If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled …” - General Maximus Decimus Meridius

Boundaries are a new idea for me. Until late last year, I had essentially one boundary: in or out, ride-or-die, loyalty or betrayal. I realize now that this was a remnant of survival and connection-seeking; of trying to protect myself from pain and rejection. Thanks to self-reflection, friends that model healthy boundaries and a great therapist, I now have a much more clear picture of what my boundaries are. The intention of this essay is not to directly instruct you on how to establish boundaries. I’m simply sharing what I’ve experienced about boundaries.

For me, a boundary is established when: a) I know what matters to me, b) I am clear about when a line has been crossed and c) I consciously choose my response.

To know your boundaries it is essential to know your core self. When you know your core self, you have a sense of grounded sovereignty that is supported by your values and standards - which are made real by your behaviors and choices. When you know your core self, boundaries are based on love instead of fear. Further, boundaries become an active practice, not an esoteric theory. Knowing your core self ensures your boundaries are not rigid, narrow or judgemental - nor are they threats or manipulation disguised as a boundary.

Here are a few specific things I’ve learned about boundaries …

Boundaries ensure healthy relationships. Or maybe more accurately, boundaries are evidence of a healthy relationship. Boundaries create a healthy distance between “me” and “we”. They prevent you from getting consumed by the relationship. Without boundaries, you will likely miss when you are being taken advantage of. Conversely, knowing your boundaries makes you much more aware of not encroaching on the boundaries of others.

Boundaries are directly related to self-worth. When you have self-love, you take less shit from people that don’t have your best interests at heart. In addition, you are much less likely to use your boundaries as barter to get your needs met. Boundaries teach others how to treat you - but what you allow or invite is determined largely by your self-worth.

Boundaries tell us when a line is crossed. Boundaries create a clear contrast between how we expect to be treated and what we are actually experiencing. Without boundaries, we don’t cognitively understand that some aspect of us has been violated. Further, when a line has been crossed, how you respond is more clear and consistent.

Boundaries are a co-dependency preventative. For many years, I was afraid to set boundaries in close relationships because of my intense fear of rejection and abandonment. I thought that having and expressing boundaries would hurt someone I love and they would leave, cut me off. I now know those thoughts are directly related to co-dependency and that boundaries are respected in a healthy relationship.

A few reminders …

People with undefined and/or unhealthy boundaries may take offense to your boundaries. Their reaction exerts enormous pressure to adjust your boundaries in order to make them feel better. This is especially difficult if you have anxious attachment tendencies. As my therapist taught me, you can prioritize your boundaries and someone else’s feelings at the same time. If they are offended by your boundary, certainly invite them to have a conversation. Otherwise, how they react to your boundary is up to them.

Your ego-mind may not like boundaries. The inner critic may call you selfish. The inner accuser may tell you that having boundaries makes you a bad person. The inner tempter may ask you to negotiate your boundaries. The inner judge may call you a failure or a loser when you let a boundary slip. Boundaries are a type of system and systems work for you - not the other way around. In addition, remind your mind that having boundaries is ultimately about being secure in yourself and in your relationships.

Life will challenge your boundaries. Experiences will stress-test the strength of your boundaries. They will show you which boundaries are real and which boundaries are theories. As such, boundaries will often require you to make some painful choices in your relationships, career, self-care and more.

As I mentioned, setting boundaries is new for me. Each opportunity to hold the line on a boundary generates lots of insecurity and self-doubt. These feelings of insecurity about boundaries aren’t new to me. I felt them when I left Idaho. I felt them when I left the church that I was part of for most of my life. And I intensely and painfully felt them in recent months as some of my most important relationships took on new forms. The good news here is that establishing boundaries have brought out the best parts of these relationships. In addition, having boundaries has helped me be much more expressive, vulnerable and present in new relationships.

I’m working up a guide for determining and setting boundaries that will be available to paid subscribers this Saturday. Until then, I hope you gleaned some value from my experiences with setting boundaries and I welcome your comments, suggestions and ideas on how you set and hold boundaries.

Journaling prompts: Which boundary is the most difficult for you to hold? Why is it difficult? What are the positives of holding this boundary?