Changing My Mind

I feel a new level of consciousness emerging in me. At every level of consciousness, something changes.

The soul is evolutionary. It does not fear change.

The mind fears changes.

This is the paradox of being a conscious human.

Let’s start with fear …

Until we understand the root causes of our fears, our minds will find new things to be afraid of. Of course, some of those fears are part of the survival features in the human app. But most fears come from social conditioning, trauma, or painful experiences. The first two can leave indelible grooves in our psyches. I feel like I’ve made huge progress in these older kinds of fears. My Window of Tolerance has expanded. And when it’s shrunken down, I acknowledge it and take action. My fear of rejection in my relationships has dissipated to an occasional whisper. I’m able to get upstream of conditions and circumstances that deplete me.

In the last two years, a surprising new fear emerged: fear of change. It is a type of scarcity mindset; instead of scarcity about what I don’t have, it is fear of losing what I do have. For the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to have nothing missing. Sure, I want more health and wealth but I have everything I’d ever wanted. And I am terrified of losing it all. I’m scared some dark part of me will fuck it up. I’m scared of time going too fast. I’m scared of tragedy taking those I love. I’m scared of aging. I’m scared of drifting into complacency.

This kind of scarcity has caused me to grip and grab; to try and hold on to all of it. In examining this, I had this epiphany: the Universe will give you everything you want. But you can’t hold on to any of it. Water held on to becomes stagnant. Fire held on to becomes ash. Further, holding on to these things out of fear or worry robs you of presence; of truly enjoying them in each moment.

I used to love change. I sought it out. I instigated it. In many ways, it showed me that I’m brave, ambitious, and bold. But I now realize that most of the change was about avoidance - of childhood wounds, doubts about the church, discontentment in my marriage, and restlessness in my career. I used to think that if I stayed on the move, then eventually I would find myself. Or find a place where all of the angst would somehow just go away.

Now let’s talk about the soul.